ONE more chemo

(If you want to, scroll down to November 1. I wrote a post that I just added tonight. I thought that it would put it at the top, but it put it in by date.)

Today Clara had chemo. Her counts were good and things went well. We did get some GREAT news. CJ only has to have ONE more chemo. January 18th is the last treatment date. I cannot tell you how I feel right now. Oddly, I thought that all I would feel was pure joy. But to be honest, I am a little scared.

In the past I have felt relief. Relief that we made it through surgery. Relief that the pathology report wasn't cancer. Relief that her chemo was supposed to be mild. And all though each of these were good things to be putting in the past, it wasn't quite the end that I thought it would be. Is it really going to be over?

Also, I think that I have had this false sense of "safeness" from the chemo. The odds of her disease making a comeback during treatment are so low. What now, that treatment is over? Does the chemo being over open the door for the LCH to waltz back in? Medically, the answer is no. The biggest reason we did the chemotherapy was to decrease the chance of recurrence. I KNOW that. But...it feels like we're losing our safety net.

On the other hand, I cannot wait for CJ to feel good. I cannot wait for the day that she doesn't have to be stuck with a needle. I cannot wait for all the medicine to be off the counter and out of our lives. I simply cannot wait for what we knew as normal, to be here again. Where we are now isn't our new normal...it just isn't.

So, here is the plan. On January the 18th, Clara will have her last treatment. She will take her last 5-day round of steroids that week. We will schedule scans of her entire body, to make sure that there is no sign of LCH. We will schedule surgery to remove her port. Clara Jean will have to take her maintenance antibiotics for three months. She will go back for a check-up and blood work at the end of that three months. And then we won't have to go back again, for a year. All of this assuming that things go as planned.

Now, I am not expecting anything to go wrong. But from past experience, I have certainly learned that I can't count on my plans to go the way I want them to. The thing is, that from past experience I have learned that I can count on God to be right beside us. He has held us close through so much pain. Through so many unknowns. And we have been able to face those unknowns because of what we did know. That we weren't alone. That God's love is unfailing. That He has a plan for us. That He loves Clara more than we do.