June 2, 2009

This morning I left my girls with my mom and went to meet with the wonderful ladies in my bible study. I have been so blessed by these women over the past year or so and even more so since Clara Jean's "bump" appeared. We caught up, talked about CJ, prayed for CJ, our family, CJ's doctors and more. I left feeling peaceful.

I left and headed to Costco to buy snacks to take to the hospital. I talked to Tom on the way and he said, "You cried like a baby, didn't you?" No, I didn't. I didn't feel the urge, need, whatever, I didn't feel it. I felt God's perfect peace. I felt His arms around me. I felt...fine. Well, let me tell you! I think that because this is a high stress situation, like it or not, sometimes our emotions get the best of us.

I was in a snack aisle looking at granola bars when I wave of emotion came over me. I was in this aisle, all alone, it seemed so quiet and I suddenly felt like I was drowning. Do you know how many different kinds of granola bars they have at Costco??? Seriously? Was I crying because I didn't know what kind of granola bars to buy? I called Tom, crying. "What kind of granola bars do you want? Do you want the chewy ones? The girls don't like the peanut butter and chocolate. Or do you want crunchy? Do the girls like crunchy? I can't remember, why can't I remember what kind of granola bars my kids like?"

Now, I have to tell you. My husband was a champ. He talked me down calmly and quietly. He told me which kind to buy and didn't seem irritated in the least bit that I had just called him at work to ask him about granola bars. He helped me see what I was really crying about and we talked about it. He was amazing. I don't know what it was that made me, at that moment, freak out a little. Maybe it was the fact that I was buying snacks for the hospital. That makes it pretty darn real. Maybe it was the fact that I felt like I could feel the minutes ticking away, taking us closer and closer. Maybe it was the fact that sometimes, we just need to cry. I don't know. But I can tell you that after I was done with my cry and I composed myself, I was back to feeling good. Strong. Peaceful.